Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
