I met the friendliest cop last night
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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