My room smells like vodka and shame
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
