U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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