Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
