I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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