Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
