ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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