all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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