My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
