Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
