Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't turn off my feet"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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