hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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