She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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