Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
