please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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