my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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