need another drink. this is the easiest way
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
