i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
