I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
