Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
