Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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