Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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