It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
