These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize