I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
