I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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