yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
