I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
