I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize