All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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