Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
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