he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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