it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
