he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
