saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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