Plan B is the new Plan A
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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