I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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