I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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