I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
