I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
