i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
