Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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