wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
