i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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