so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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