Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
