Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize