Apparently you make a good broom.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
