So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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