Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
