fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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