My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
