Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
