it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
