Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
