he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
