I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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