I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
